I'm listening to a beautiful worship song called "I need you more" and it's got me really thinking how much I depend on God (or not) for my entire life, every breath and heartbeat and not just for getting me through hard times and praising him in the good and the bad. "I need You more, more than yesterday, I need you more, more than words can say, I need you more, than ever before, I need you more, I need you Lord. More than the air I breathe, more than the song I sing, more than the next heartbeat, more than anything, and Lord as time goes by Lord I'll be by Your side, cuz I never want to go back to my old life...I need You more...."
Thursday night at worship team rehearsal, before we got started, I shared a little about our needs and what we're facing. There's a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story, and one of the lines is something like "if it takes a thousand nights of tears to bring me closer to you...." and I said to my friends "have I reached a thousand yet?????? I die by inches sometimes watching Brad fight SO HARD for the simplest word or task. Today he was able to make his own sandwich. That is a SERIOUS VICTORY around here!
I don't know where the comfort in the night is. I recently wrote about the terror of the night. Pain still stalks me, but I have it caged fairly well. What stalks me now is that I honestly do not know how to take comfort from my Heavenly Father who has allowed me to endure suffering beyond what I ever imagined I'd face. I think we all of us have to come to a day when we realize we don't have any RIGHTS to avoid suffering, whether or not we follow after Christ. But I guess I thought I would FEEL something that would pull me through the terrors of the night, and instead I found myself flat on the floor in a ball, wishing to God I could sink lower into the floorboards and disappear.
Am I depending on God? I honestly don't think I have a clue how to. I've never had a dad. Oh I have a father. But I've never had a daddy who could see me through his own addictions and dysfunction and care for my spirit. God is my Father in heaven, and He promises to be a Father to the fatherless. That's me. I wish I knew what it was like to curl up on a daddy's lap and know for that moment everything is ok.
I've been laying here thinking about next week and Brad's brain biopsy. He's already been through so much, and I've soldiered through with him, and I've sometimes pulled him through and forced the doctors to look again. It's taken an incredible amount of FIGHT to get them to realize SOMETHING IS WRONG and SOMETHING HAS BEEN WRONG! Have they ignored me so long that this can't be fixed?
And what if it's the cancer come back? Brad beat it once. We knew it was the kind that could come back 20 years later just to mess with you. We didn't expect it to arrive exactly on schedule for petesake!
I can't fight that battle for Brad, and I don't want him to have to fight it. If it's an infection, the drugs needed to kill it could also kill his kidneys for good this time. He was 12 hours from being put on dialysis a year ago. Will his kidneys recover this time, when right now there are signs I can SEE that they're not doing their job as well as they should?
Or what about the autoimmune angle? That's probably the worst answer, because then he'll go on serious immunosuppresant drugs. Kind of like chemo. They make you feel like hell, and you are so incredibly vulnerable and I'M ABOUT TO GO WORK IN A HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do with these things. I don't know how to think about Brad having to deal with a stranger in our home while I'm at work instead of ME, who can read his face and eyes and just simply KNOW what he needs.
I'm a fixer. I like to save people. I can't fix him. I can't save him. I can't fix ME!
The last member of my household that hasn't been on mental health drugs is going to start them. We're all so wound so tightly we're cracking up in slow motion. It takes so much energy to even WANT to do anything, including brushing my teeth some mornings. How are my children supposed to focus on their studies? For one of mine, I think they're a great escape. For another, I think it will become that. For my 3rd, I think this year is going to be really touch and may have to just keep him homeschooling and doing the causal thing that has always worked for us. He can't tolerate any more pressure, and he doesn't like disappointing people. I think the teachers will be kind and really work with my kids. They understand that sometimes people choose online public school because of difficult family situations that are distracting and overwhelming. I need eyes on my kids while I'm at work.
I'm very blessed to be surrounded by an AMAZING church family, as well as "real" family that cares so much. I know I'm not alone in this...but then again I am. I'm the only one who can do my job. I'm the only one who can run this show. I'm completely inadequate and barely coping with my still chronic pain issues. Right now it would give me great joy to simply not have legs. They ache so deep from the pinched nerves in my back that it's like a hard rod of steel pain being hammered down my leg bones.
Another thing I said last night was that God has ALWAYS met me at the end of myself, but I often believe I'm really really there by now, but God isn't, which means it'll get worse before I finally DO arrive at the end of myself. I don't like it.
For tonight, I choose to believe. I can't do otherwise. I won't make it. So I'll hold onto the verse God gave me a couple weeks ago that has really meant so much for me:
We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. Job is an example of a man who endured patiently. From his experience we see how the Lord's plan finally ended in good, for he is full of tenderness and mercy. (James 5:11)
The other one I hold onto is "I count my suffering not worth mentioning compared to the glory that awaits me." I hold onto that one SO tightly. I'm waiting on the Lord's return, and I know when I get to Heaven, be it because i've been swept up in Christ's 2nd return (that would be awesome, God!) or if I get there via the grave, it'll all make sense, and until then, I just have to hold on, hold on, hold on, and let others keep a good hold on me too. How blessed am I to have so many who have such a firm grip on me?
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