Part of a way I can earn some extra money is by allowing some targeted ads to my blog pages. They mostly come from content within my postings. page views alone help, but actually clicking on an add gives me more money. In a weeks time with little traffic I made a total of $4.26. I realize that's not a lot, but it adds up, especially as I'm able to get more traffic directed my way. If I've written someone you think a friend would be encouraged by, I'd love to know I've helped someone. If they click on an ad so be it. So please do feel free to copy my link and send it to others who might be helped or inspired (or want to argue).
I think once I'm hired at a phleb job I'll remove all ads from my page. For now it's extra income and any creative way I can can create it I must. Thanks!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Adjusting to a new normal and finding the time to do it
How do people find their new normal? I've done it a few times now, and it's always been simply step by step by step. It's usually been a new baby joining the family. Then it was no longer working and dealing with back surgeries, procedures and constant pain. We had a HUGE adjustment time when hubby had his stroke, but we were getting there! I even went back to school, something already in the works when he got sick, but I just changed my direction a little bit to get to work as fast as possible. For almost 6 months we watched him get progressively better. And then one day he woke without most of his recovery and went backwards everyday, and faster each day. Finally we found out something very serious was very wrong after I completely went nuts and demanded some testing NOW, not next month. Of course there was something wrong! His cancer came back, and right on schedule. (I keep wondering if the doctors had really listened to me we could've caught the cancer while it was treatable...there are never answers to those kinds of questions.)
So. It's cancer. And I found out tonight how much they didn't tell Brad when he beat it the first time-that the survival rate was only 70-80-% for 5 years. If he'd known that, I think his experience that summer of radiation, being completely alone as a young kid all summer in a strange city, very differently. Maybe it was best he didn't know his life was still in very real danger. But he had the right to know, and I am completely finished with doctors withholding information, which I think they do to avoid dealing with the emotions of their patients. Maybe there are reasons I don't understand, but in the age of google, our amazing neurosurgeon STILL failed to tell us the truth that Brad's life is really in danger. He actually said "I don't know any of that - it's not my job! I just get the specimens the pathologist asks for." Of course he had no idea who's job it WAS to tell us what in the world we were dealing with. Why they were arranging chemo, and suddenly cancelled it. Is that good or bad?! I asked the doctor "So you're comfortable with hubby just walking around with cancer growing in his head," and he actually gave a resounding and cheerful "Oh yes!"
Exactly how, while I'm working on getting a new home healthcare worker trained, fighting with the ridiculously stingy medicaid to get a son's bone surgery done, and doing my clinical hours at a hospital 45 min. away from home with just one car in the family, am I supposed to make the calls to the 10 or so cancer groups and advocacy and information agencies? If I had any cell coverage on my commute that would be the PERFECT time. But naturally I don't have cell coverage even if I could find my blue tooth. If I work the 5;30am-2pm shift, I get off just in time for all East Coast places to close.
I am dead tired. Really and truly tired. But you know what? Brad is at peace. What a blessing!
So. It's cancer. And I found out tonight how much they didn't tell Brad when he beat it the first time-that the survival rate was only 70-80-% for 5 years. If he'd known that, I think his experience that summer of radiation, being completely alone as a young kid all summer in a strange city, very differently. Maybe it was best he didn't know his life was still in very real danger. But he had the right to know, and I am completely finished with doctors withholding information, which I think they do to avoid dealing with the emotions of their patients. Maybe there are reasons I don't understand, but in the age of google, our amazing neurosurgeon STILL failed to tell us the truth that Brad's life is really in danger. He actually said "I don't know any of that - it's not my job! I just get the specimens the pathologist asks for." Of course he had no idea who's job it WAS to tell us what in the world we were dealing with. Why they were arranging chemo, and suddenly cancelled it. Is that good or bad?! I asked the doctor "So you're comfortable with hubby just walking around with cancer growing in his head," and he actually gave a resounding and cheerful "Oh yes!"
Exactly how, while I'm working on getting a new home healthcare worker trained, fighting with the ridiculously stingy medicaid to get a son's bone surgery done, and doing my clinical hours at a hospital 45 min. away from home with just one car in the family, am I supposed to make the calls to the 10 or so cancer groups and advocacy and information agencies? If I had any cell coverage on my commute that would be the PERFECT time. But naturally I don't have cell coverage even if I could find my blue tooth. If I work the 5;30am-2pm shift, I get off just in time for all East Coast places to close.
I am dead tired. Really and truly tired. But you know what? Brad is at peace. What a blessing!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Is faith by default still faith?
So I'm not thinking of changing religions (I couldn't anyway since I don't have religion but rather a relationship with the One True Living God), nor abandoning my faith. But there have been some days when my faith has been in place because the absence of it was an intolerable concept. I simply could not fathom how to survive without it, so I chose my faith that day. Is faith a choice, a verb? Is it a feeling? Is it both? Neither?
What I know for sure is that I've endured far more physical suffering than I expected from life, and more emotional distress as well. I had a very naive idea of how much suffering each person should be allotted in life. But I don't see, now, why I should be exempt from the worst life has to offer when millions of people live on the edge of it or smack dab in the middle of it. I don't like it. I don't exactly know how to feel secure or at peace when more calamity could strike tomorrow.
We've been told we should play the lottery because the chances of my husband having all the things happen to his brain that have happened are astronomical.
Do some people who seem to have a charmed life just make better choices and somehow avoid suffering, or do they keep it to themselves, or do they have a better attitude about it than I do? I don't believe in silent suffering, however, I think there is such a thing as quiet suffering that brings one to a new level of knowing God if we let it, if we are willing to maybe talk more to Him about it than others (yes, I'm thinking about it for myself, but I have to think out loud first). I don't think my life should be defined by hardship endured or suffering suffered, but rather my relationship with my heavenly Father and what HE has done in my life rather than what *I* have endured or accomplished.
But pain naturally makes a person turn inward. It's easy to become very self-focused. Pain screams for attention. It is a consuming beast. The challenge in living with it is to continually refuse that inward focus and turn back to that outside ourselves. It's not easy, nor does it feel very good to do at first, because when we focus on our suffering it almost feels like justice, like I have the right to think about it, wonder about it, and generally be busy with it rather than being Christ-centered and about the work of building God's Kingdom.
Hmmm......I'm still thinking.
I actually made it through an entire work day today! No tummy troubles or any other trouble. Just fatigued the last 2 hours, but I did get up at 4:45am, so I guess it's understandable, and I'll build endurance. I've discovered that I'm very tightly wound up still, so the moment I feel on the spot (like every time I draw blood as I'm being scrutinized!), all that I know suddenly disappears. I literally feel at a complete loss as to what to do!! Today was good, though, because the gals training me understood and helped me to focus in and calm down ("Just breath and don't talk"...LOL!)
I don't know how to unwind this thing in me though-I feel like one thing hitting me the wrong way and I'll completely explode with sprockets and springs flying every which-way. Not an emotional explosion, but a CATHERINE HAS GONE TO PIECES AND IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR DROOLING kind of explosion. The dr says I have too much adrenaline coursing through my veins from all that's gone on not just this last 3 weeks but the last 14 months. Hopefully the med I've been given will help because it's a very unpleasant feeling to know you are on the brink of mental and physical collapse.
We definitely underestimate the value of quality rest. Oregon Health Sciences University hospital has virtually NO resources for patient's families, particularly those in ICU where family member visits tend to be limited, and absolutely no sleeping in there allowed (I kid you not - a woman in her 8th month of pregnancy literally closed her eyes at 8:37 and was woke by the nurse at 8:39 and not that kindly told "You CANNOT SLEEP IN HERE!" I realize there's a need for rules, but what sense does it make to not give a family member a blanket for the night while they sleep on the teeny couches in the very cold waiting room (it's too warm in the day and blowing cold air at night). I asked for a blanket and was told "If I give you one I'd have to give EVERYONE one." Uh, ya! That would be a GOOD THING!
I think I have no real point to this blog entry except that I had a very very rough time at OHSU while Brad was there, though the 2nd week was slightly easier as he was in a private room with a couch of sorts for me to sleep on, BUT by then I was so exhausted that my stomach quit working and I ended up in the ER twice, and should have been admitted the first time, and was on my way (literally being rolled down the hall) to surgery the 2nd time when a resident came running up after 12 hours in that ER gurney and said "We've had another meeting around your ct scan and we've decided you're just fine and good to go." I think the senior attending physician let the residents play with me and learn from me and only intervened when they decided to cut me open. And he did it knowing I was there with my very ill husband and needing to get back to him. I'm just guessing, but I think there is probably some truth in my guess.
I'm very happy that I did get through a full work day, without any special needs or looking obviously ill. The ladies at the lab told me my color was much better and white just didn't suit me :-) Being white sure didn't FEEL very good.
Well, it's 8pm and time for bed if I'm to survive another 5:30am-2pm shift tomorrow. I never thought I'd like such a shift, but it's great getting off work so early in the day, and the morning goes really fast. The afternoon slows down and it can be very boring. I don't like sitting around with nothing to do.
I would love your prayers for strength and endurance for me. I'm in a lot of pain tonight with a swollen back causing both legs to ache badly. I'm burning through my ice packs. Pain medicine isn't touching it, and I don't want to use pain medicine anyway! I'm thankful for today, and for the beautiful drive by the ocean for most of my commute. Seeing the ocean always puts my perspective in it's place.
I don't know how to unwind this thing in me though-I feel like one thing hitting me the wrong way and I'll completely explode with sprockets and springs flying every which-way. Not an emotional explosion, but a CATHERINE HAS GONE TO PIECES AND IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR DROOLING kind of explosion. The dr says I have too much adrenaline coursing through my veins from all that's gone on not just this last 3 weeks but the last 14 months. Hopefully the med I've been given will help because it's a very unpleasant feeling to know you are on the brink of mental and physical collapse.
We definitely underestimate the value of quality rest. Oregon Health Sciences University hospital has virtually NO resources for patient's families, particularly those in ICU where family member visits tend to be limited, and absolutely no sleeping in there allowed (I kid you not - a woman in her 8th month of pregnancy literally closed her eyes at 8:37 and was woke by the nurse at 8:39 and not that kindly told "You CANNOT SLEEP IN HERE!" I realize there's a need for rules, but what sense does it make to not give a family member a blanket for the night while they sleep on the teeny couches in the very cold waiting room (it's too warm in the day and blowing cold air at night). I asked for a blanket and was told "If I give you one I'd have to give EVERYONE one." Uh, ya! That would be a GOOD THING!
I think I have no real point to this blog entry except that I had a very very rough time at OHSU while Brad was there, though the 2nd week was slightly easier as he was in a private room with a couch of sorts for me to sleep on, BUT by then I was so exhausted that my stomach quit working and I ended up in the ER twice, and should have been admitted the first time, and was on my way (literally being rolled down the hall) to surgery the 2nd time when a resident came running up after 12 hours in that ER gurney and said "We've had another meeting around your ct scan and we've decided you're just fine and good to go." I think the senior attending physician let the residents play with me and learn from me and only intervened when they decided to cut me open. And he did it knowing I was there with my very ill husband and needing to get back to him. I'm just guessing, but I think there is probably some truth in my guess.
I'm very happy that I did get through a full work day, without any special needs or looking obviously ill. The ladies at the lab told me my color was much better and white just didn't suit me :-) Being white sure didn't FEEL very good.
Well, it's 8pm and time for bed if I'm to survive another 5:30am-2pm shift tomorrow. I never thought I'd like such a shift, but it's great getting off work so early in the day, and the morning goes really fast. The afternoon slows down and it can be very boring. I don't like sitting around with nothing to do.
I would love your prayers for strength and endurance for me. I'm in a lot of pain tonight with a swollen back causing both legs to ache badly. I'm burning through my ice packs. Pain medicine isn't touching it, and I don't want to use pain medicine anyway! I'm thankful for today, and for the beautiful drive by the ocean for most of my commute. Seeing the ocean always puts my perspective in it's place.
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