It just hurts so much...

I've been trying to figure out why "when it rains, it pours."  I absolutely cannot believe what is on my plate...let's see - I got "terminated" from my phlebotomy school because of my "attendance problems." (those being i chose to be with my husband while he had major brain surgery and meningitis, and even left him in the rehab place and went to my clinical, and even went to my clinical while still having a small bowel obstruction...needless to say I had to leave early); then there's the hubby having head problems. His cancer has returned, however it's not an aggressive one, but it's location tends to cause a lot of seizure activity. He will have to have another major brain surgery to remove a 4'X4' piece of skull and have it replaced with a plastic cap because they feel the infection is in the bone as well a spinal fluid. He's home right now hooked up to IV antibiotics, and I'm also taking care of his wound care. And then there's family--one can never please anybody, but I was completely shocked and heartbroken at the criticism I received from a close family member who has announced herself "done" with us because we "just don't get it." She's right - we DON'T "get" and refuse to receive the criticism leveled right between my eyes. I was so proud of my husband dictating a response from his hospital bed, in the middle of not feeling good to defend and praise me. I have indeed worked so hard, and took over all the CNA care of him for his first 5-6 days in the hospital-all except fetching water. I did the bathing, changing linens, jumping up for this and that. While he was so ill, I was going to take care of him. Once he was feeling a lot better, I let the CNAs start taking over their responsibilities. I'm glad they appreciated my efforts. I'm not glad they started expecting them!

Anyway - I just needed to vent. I'm dealing with the twilight zone when it comes to my school program and how I'm being treated. It was my hope of a job I could physically tolerate, and now they've jerked it away in a very vindictive, victorious manner. Seriously! I am not in the least exaggerating and I have many classmates who have had similar experiences.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle all of this. I just don't! I can't control people who choose to act horribly. I don't know what my next step is. My oldest son's hours are being slowly cut as the tourist season dies down, which means we may have trouble paying all the utility bills this month. It's only been my oldest two's income that has kept us afloat, along with my "TN Momma" (God gave me an extra mother 13 years ago...what a blessing!) carrying 100% of the mortgage 4 months straight, and at MINIMUM 50% of it since Brad's vacation time ran out. Usually she's paid more like 80%. And she can't afford it! She really can't! if I can't come up with money to put towards it, she could miss a car payment, or another vital payment. It's becoming that dicey. I cannot let her suffer because my life has exploded.

Where's God in all of this? He's here. And I know we'll come out the other side of this. We're holding together so strongly as a family, working cooperatively, appreciating each other, giving respect for the efforts each member makes.

I don't handle injustice well - particularly in my own life. Oh how I want to rain down vengeance on those who have been so horrid to me during this awful time. But that's not my place. I must remain a person I can be proud to be. I don't want to have fault in this situation, something they can rightfully hold against me. At this time there is nothing (in the realm of "reality") they can hold against me except choosing to go with my husband to the hospital for serious brain surgery. When I started the program he was stable. If I could've foreseen this would happen, I wouldn't have started the program!

Every time I think about all of this, I have to remove each item of grief off of my plate and set it aside. I'm getting better at  refusing to fret about things I can't fix today.

But I'm heartbroken. I'm so sad. I'm indignant and appalled. I'm hurt. Those aren't easy feelings to carry around. I did my more than my best and not only was it not enough, but it's being spat on as if it was nothing.  It just hurts so much.